Thers's an App for that!

Apull has just released a new iPhone app that will tell its user if and when they should kill themselves.
Using patented technology, the app runs an algorithm that incorporates an array of biometric, financial and personal data derived from the user to determine when, why and how they should kill themselves.

"I think this could be a revolutionary new product. By taking the guesswork out of whether someone should commit suicide, thousands of valuable lives may be saved, while thousands more who really should do it might actually rid the world of themselves," remarked Apull spokesman Bertie McSpadden.

According to McSpadden, the app is capable of detecting physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, monitors its user's financial status in real time, analyzes the content of their outgoing text messages, and evaluates their photo and music files to determine the tenability of their continued existence.

"Simply being inarticulate, unattractive, or poor is unlikely to issue a suicide prompt, regardless of how uneducated, repulsive or insolvent you are," McSpadden explained, "Any combination of those three, depending on the degree, might however trigger the app."

Other factors that would contribute to a suicide prompt include prolonged attention paid to football news sites for an underperforming club, listening to Morrissey albums, taking photos of mundane household objects or unattractive family members and spending all damn day using your f@cking phone, said McSpadden.

The new suicide app also features satellite navigation designed to assist its user by providing directions to nearby bridges, tall buildings and railroad tracks.

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Of course the above is untrue and not something that has been suggested by either Apull or any other similarly named company, it is purely meant to illustrate how everyone loves a gadget on their phone and can become hopelessly addicted to using them, in a tongue in cheek way.

 I should also add that suicide is not an advisable course of action for anyone!

 I shouldn't have to make either comment as its common sense but thought it best to :-)